My 9:00am client was telling me how cute her son was at a very young age. “He was so independent! We all thought it was so cute the way he bossed everyone around!” They don’t think he is so cute now that he’s sixteen and still won’t do what his parents tell him to do. “He’s disrespectful and he doesn’t appreciate anything we do for him!!”

I recommended that they use “real world consequences”.

For example, he doesn’t see any reason to aim for A’s and B’s on his report card (even though he is very intelligent). I suggested that he live the life of someone who makes C’s and F’s; someone who does not go to college. The real world consequence would be that he can’t afford a cell phone, the X-box system with games, access to a car, and money to eat out with his girlfriend at O’Charley’s on the weekend. Oh, by the way, he doesn’t have a job. He won’t get a job. His parents give him all the money he needs for fun and they pay car insurance so he can drive.

His mother doesn’t want him to be unhappy. Yet, when I have talked to him separately, he complains about her yelling at him or her lectures. I have suggested to mom that she stop with the lecturing already! He knows what she has to say. He’s not dumb. She wants him to agree with her. It’s not gonna happen! He wants what he wants! And he usually gets it. (Either mom or dad make his lunch to take to school every evening for the next day.) He has NO chores! He’s 16. What do you think the real ‘real-life consequences’ are going to be?

Rules one, two, and three in parenting! I: Consistency. II: Consistency. III: Consistency.
I just finished a session with a client who said, “I get so tired sometimes, well, it just seems easier to do it myself!” Another client told me that her parenting depended on her mood. If she was in a good mood, she would let her child eat in the living room in front of the t.v. If she was in a bad mood, she would yell at her child for eating in the living room. “I TOLD you, only eat in the kitchen!”
I think you can easily see the problems here.

DO NOT CONFUSE your child!! Your child needs to be able to trust what you say to them. Trusting you helps to make them feel safe! You see, they know they don’t know how to live their lives yet. They know they have to depend on you to guide them. They know they need to listen to you. But if you keep changing the rules, then they can’t trust you! They have to start guessing how to behave.

Have you trained your child to have bad behavior? You might have by being inconsistent. Make your rules. Make the rules reasonable and meaningful. Every adult in the household needs to agree to the rules. Don’t change the rules based upon your mood. Be consistent. Be consistent. Be consistent.

Just listen to yourself. “Mary Jane, please sit here so mommy can put your shoes on you. Okay?” Now what did you just do in your polite way of role-modeling? You just gave your 2-year-old of the option of NOT SITTING THERE SO YOU CAN PUT HER SHOES ON HER!!! You asked her IF IT WAS OKAY!! I have a very strong opinion on this subject. I want you to hear how important this is. You are giving your child power that is hard to take away from her later.

Now, let’s take this incident down the developmental time line a little and you will have a picture you might not like
Your child is not learning that she has to listen to you. She is learning that she has a say in what she does. Like when and if she does her homework. She is likely to not want to do any chores you assign her and therefore won’t. You will do everything for her. She will not honor your values because she will never feel the sting of having done something wrong, because, as a teenager, you wouldn’t want to upset her with consequences. She won’t learn to take care of herself. As a young adult, she will keep trying to move out on her own and always have to return to live with you. She can’t do it. You have not taught her to be responsible and able to take care of herself! She has never learned that life isn’t all about what she wants and others will take care of her. You have created a real problem by not standing up and being a parent! Your job as a parent is to teach your child the skills to launch into independent and productive adulthood!
Don’t get me wrong. Developmentally, there is a time when you start to let children make their own choices. It’s a little by little process starting in late childhood, around the 4th grade. But the foundation has to be laid down, first. It’s a difficult task and with the fact that you have chosen to have children, then you have chosen to take on this difficult task of parenting.

Do not confuse the notion of creativity and doing what you as a parent have instructed your child to do. Even young children need the chance to allow their creative nature to emerge. This can happen in the confines of a parent-structured home and teacher-structured school.
I’ll talk about how to help children make choices at another time.

People resolve to do many things in the New Year, few of which actually get taken care of. I was wondering what keeps people from carrying through on their resolutions. I think it has something to do with the difference between ’should’ and ‘want’. I think people often make a resolution to do or not do something based upon a ’should’ and not a ‘want’. And because it really isn’t meaningful to their life, they do not keep the resolution. I think that in order to keep a resolution, making it something you ‘want’ to do will increase the likelihood. I have a friend who said, “I resolve to eat more fried chicken and watch more t.v. this coming year. That way I will be sure to keep my resolutions!” Those are things she wants to do!

Pick resolutions that YOU want. Not things that society, peers, parents, spouses, or your children want for you! You will have a much better chance of following through if you stick with a ‘want’. I resolve to keep in touch with friends. That’s something I really want to do.