Just listen to yourself. “Mary Jane, please sit here so mommy can put your shoes on you. Okay?” Now what did you just do in your polite way of role-modeling? You just gave your 2-year-old of the option of NOT SITTING THERE SO YOU CAN PUT HER SHOES ON HER!!! You asked her IF IT WAS OKAY!! I have a very strong opinion on this subject. I want you to hear how important this is. You are giving your child power that is hard to take away from her later.
Now, let’s take this incident down the developmental time line a little and you will have a picture you might not like
Your child is not learning that she has to listen to you. She is learning that she has a say in what she does. Like when and if she does her homework. She is likely to not want to do any chores you assign her and therefore won’t. You will do everything for her. She will not honor your values because she will never feel the sting of having done something wrong, because, as a teenager, you wouldn’t want to upset her with consequences. She won’t learn to take care of herself. As a young adult, she will keep trying to move out on her own and always have to return to live with you. She can’t do it. You have not taught her to be responsible and able to take care of herself! She has never learned that life isn’t all about what she wants and others will take care of her. You have created a real problem by not standing up and being a parent! Your job as a parent is to teach your child the skills to launch into independent and productive adulthood!
Don’t get me wrong. Developmentally, there is a time when you start to let children make their own choices. It’s a little by little process starting in late childhood, around the 4th grade. But the foundation has to be laid down, first. It’s a difficult task and with the fact that you have chosen to have children, then you have chosen to take on this difficult task of parenting.
Do not confuse the notion of creativity and doing what you as a parent have instructed your child to do. Even young children need the chance to allow their creative nature to emerge. This can happen in the confines of a parent-structured home and teacher-structured school.
I’ll talk about how to help children make choices at another time.
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