In many situations, clients talk about how someone else ‘made them feel’. I think of that as a person’s interpretation of someone else’s behavior. But to take that point a step further, I reread a book by Dave Ellis called the Human Being Book, and am now focusing on the reaction to a feeling. He says it best. I don’t even want to paraphrase. Please read and reread until you get the message.
(From Dave Ellis, Human Being Book, pp. 199-200)
People often resist their feelings because those
feelings are linked with undesirable behaviors.
Consider the man who breaks a dish every time
he’s angry. After a while, he makes himself wrong
for feeling angry. When he does feel angry, he
resists that feeling. After all, it costs too much to
keep replacing all those dishes.
His way of thinking misses one point: When
he gets angry, he doesn’t have to break dishes. In
fact, there are a lot of things he could do instead:
He could yell. He could take a brisk walk. Punch
a pillow. Play a tuba. Anything but break a dish.
Once we understand that a feeling does not
necessarily lead to any particular behavior, we
can give ourselves permission to open up to
the full range of our feelings. We can have any
feeling at all and then choose how we want to
respond.
Choose what to do next.
Feelings are for feeling. That’s all. There’s no
reason to judge them, explain them, justify them,
fear them, or stuff them. Feelings are natural
events, just like the weather. (As I have said, they are your interpretation of the behavior) To condemn a
feeling is like saying that rain is immoral. We can
feel any feeling without acting in ways that
damage ourselves, others, or our environment.
It is liberating to discover that actions and
feelings can function independently. We do not
have to feel strong, powerful, or motivated before
we take constructive action. We can do what needs
doing in our lives without fixing our feelings first.
That’s fortunate. Our feelings constantly shift
with the flow of outside events. When the baby is
screaming at 2 a.m., the boss is in a bloodthirsty
mood, or the weather is overcast and rainy for
days on end, we can feel low, even depressed. We
can find ourselves just reacting to other people’s
reactions: someone insults us, we fire back a
nasty remark; rain falls, we sink into sadness;
the car has a flat tire, we seethe with rage. If we
thoughtlessly react to those feelings, we’ll find
ourselves constantly at the mercy of the circumstances
that triggered our feelings.
Instead, we can notice our feelings, accept
them, and choose (I added the bold) what to do next. Instead of
lamenting the rainy weather, we can call a
friend or curl up with a favorite book. Instead of
complaining about what a jerk the boss is, we can
look for the underlying problem that sparked her
anger and find a way to solve it. We can even
attend to the screaming infant, knowing that we
can feel sleepy and still attend to business
tomorrow morning.
It’s to our advantage to have a clear sense
of what we can control—and what we can’t.
The weather and other people’s reactions are two
examples of items that belong in the latter category.
Instead, we can let go of such things and
focus instead on what we can control—our focus
of attention and our actions. Remembering this
offers a stable and lasting source of happiness.
Remember that like begets like
Yes, it is a challenge to be loving when
others aren’t. It’s easy to react in kind when
someone is rude, caustic, or resentful—easy and
ineffective. Sinking to a lower level merely adds
to the environment of tension, upset, and misery.
Being happier involves letting others have
their feelings and not taking it personally.
Feelings, whether they happen to us or someone
else, are not right or wrong—they just happen.
When another person is angry or rude,
they aren’t broken and we don’t have to fix
them. If we want to be happier, we can accept
the other person, notice our feelings about them,
and then choose what to do next. Unhappiness
is contagious. Awareness, attention, and action
offer the antidote that protects our system from
further unhappiness.
Thank you to J. for the title. Actually, thank you to J. for the inspiration to write this>>>>>.
I was just plugging away at being a therapist. Then I entered the coaching world. I found out that my style as a therapist was very much like a life coach.
I had placed some 3×5 cards on a table in my office next to the clients’ chairs. It just seemed like the right thing to do, since I would regularly ask clients to think about whatever we were talking about in our sessions when they left. Without the 3×5 cards, clients would often come back and say they didn’t remember what I asked them to think about from the last session. So their change process was only going to work, 50 minutes a week or every 2 weeks. That wasn’t why I became a therapist. I wanted to help people make real change in their lives.
J. has made very good use of the 3×5 cards. During our discussions, J. would often say, “Now say that again” and she would write verbatim, what I had just said. I know that I’m not particularly original in all that I say because I have read extensively in the area of psychology, religion, philosophy, etc. and much of what I say to clients has been said many times before. It’s just that I have a style that leads to similar messages. J. calls them “The Therapeutic Stylings of Dr. S. O’Koon, PhD”. I can’t take credit for most of it. Well, maybe the way I say things has my personality wrapped around it!
Not everyone agrees with me. Depending on one’s background and/or theoretical orientation, a therapist might come from a completely different direction. For example, many therapists will tell a client the “why” behind their behavior or attitude. I don’t believe I know the ‘why’. I believe the client ‘knows’ and it is my job to ask the right questions and let the ‘why’ resonate within the client for their own sense of insight. That doesn’t mean I don’t provide value to the process. I help the client look at their choices from the inside out.
I would like to write more about the way I work with and help people. For now, I will share with you some of the ‘stylings’ J. has recorded. Perhaps these will turn into chapters in a book!
*Anger is an outward expression of an inward emotion. These emotions are: disappointment, hurt, fear, frustration, sadness, etc. The next time you are angry or pissed off at someone, look inside and see what feeling is fueling the outward expression of anger.
*Set boundaries with work, family, and friends to protect you from being used are taken advantage of. Be true to yourself.
*Create a “What I want list”. Schedule and incorporate into a 6 month schedule or calendar. Write down your long and short-term goals. Goals are rarely achieved without some written acknowledgment that they exist.
*Look at what you call poor choices and see them as opportunities for growth.
*Self-esteem equals self regard. When you regard yourself well, you will make good choices. The outcome will be a sense of self-respect.
*Learn and practice Balance.
*Being of service is bi-directional. Become aware of whom you provide or give service to and to whom do you allow and expect service from.
*Define the kinds of relationships of which you wish to be part. Look at your current relationships. Do they match your definition? If not, make a conscious choice with whom you would like to have in your inner circle.
*It’s okay to reset your gyroscope and stay connected socially. You can have different values from those you interact with. The challenge is to put your energies into activities and people with whom you share many/most of your values.
*Honor your needs.
*Learn to be accepting of others AND of yourself…wherever that may be.
*Loving others is easy when you love and accept yourself.
*People who try to control others have deficits in their personality, intelligence, or skill levels, etc. that they don’t want others to see.
*Guilt is the feeling you get when you choose to do something that is out of line with your values and you know it and do it anyway.
This is really just the start of documenting the way I see change. If I have been helpful in some specific ‘styling’, feel free to email me so I can add that to the list. I will not identify you.
Suzann@suzannokooncoaching.com
When I help couples communicate more effectively, these are the first things I tell them.
You don’t have to agree.
You don’t have to get the other’s consent to have an opinion., belief, thought, concern. These are yours and yours alone.
You are not a mind reader. Don’t assume you know what the other is thinking. People have the right to change their opinions about things and you may not always be in the loop of this change. Check it out.
When you start a sentence with “you always…” you immediately put the other person on the defense. They are now in the “defend myself at all costs” mode. Even if you have good information which could change their opinion.
No one likes to be told they are wrong. They don’t want your judgment to override their judgment. So take it to ‘how it affects you’ level. Try this: “When you (ignore me, etc.), I interpret that to mean (that you don’t care about me, etc.) and I fee(l lonely, hurt, etc.). My need is for you to show you (are listening to my thoughts, feelings, etc.) so that I (feel wanted, respected, etc.).
When two people love one another there are some basic assumptions.
I do not want you hurt.
I want the best for you.
I am willing to be in a give and take relationship.
I want us to grow and stay together.
I want to be an equal with you.
I want to share with you.
I respect you.
I know you want the same for me.
Therefore, if you feel hurt, put down, disrespected, etc., you may have misinterpreted what you heard. That’s when you check it out.
Say, “Gosh, I interpreted what you said to mean [you are the boss and I have no say] causing me to feel [unappreciated, diminished, etc.] Is that what you intended?”
The other person gets to respond until the intended message is received accurately. This is called negotiating for meaning. It ain’t over until the sender of the message is convinced that the intention or actual meaning is accurately received by the receiver.
Often I hear a spouse say, “But you said…..” and the other replies, “But that’s not what I meant.” This is a classic case of misinterpreting the message. It would be a great idea is everyone made clarifying comments that start with the great therapist line, “What I hear you saying is…….” That way, everyone would know if they understand the message!
If you don’t believe the above assumptions as true, then additional work is necessary for you to make joint decisions in this marriage. I would recommend a marriage counselor. Or perhaps just an honest discussion that sets the stage for your next direction.
