When I help couples communicate more effectively, these are the first things I tell them.
You don’t have to agree.
You don’t have to get the other’s consent to have an opinion., belief, thought, concern. These are yours and yours alone.
You are not a mind reader. Don’t assume you know what the other is thinking. People have the right to change their opinions about things and you may not always be in the loop of this change. Check it out.
When you start a sentence with “you always…” you immediately put the other person on the defense. They are now in the “defend myself at all costs” mode. Even if you have good information which could change their opinion.
No one likes to be told they are wrong. They don’t want your judgment to override their judgment. So take it to ‘how it affects you’ level. Try this: “When you (ignore me, etc.), I interpret that to mean (that you don’t care about me, etc.) and I fee(l lonely, hurt, etc.). My need is for you to show you (are listening to my thoughts, feelings, etc.) so that I (feel wanted, respected, etc.).
When two people love one another there are some basic assumptions.
I do not want you hurt.
I want the best for you.
I am willing to be in a give and take relationship.
I want us to grow and stay together.
I want to be an equal with you.
I want to share with you.
I respect you.
I know you want the same for me.
Therefore, if you feel hurt, put down, disrespected, etc., you may have misinterpreted what you heard. That’s when you check it out.
Say, “Gosh, I interpreted what you said to mean [you are the boss and I have no say] causing me to feel [unappreciated, diminished, etc.] Is that what you intended?”
The other person gets to respond until the intended message is received accurately. This is called negotiating for meaning. It ain’t over until the sender of the message is convinced that the intention or actual meaning is accurately received by the receiver.
Often I hear a spouse say, “But you said…..” and the other replies, “But that’s not what I meant.” This is a classic case of misinterpreting the message. It would be a great idea is everyone made clarifying comments that start with the great therapist line, “What I hear you saying is…….” That way, everyone would know if they understand the message!
If you don’t believe the above assumptions as true, then additional work is necessary for you to make joint decisions in this marriage. I would recommend a marriage counselor. Or perhaps just an honest discussion that sets the stage for your next direction.
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