I’d like to share a piece offered by Philip Humbert, PhD, http://www.philiphumbert.com in his weekly newsletter. If you are thinking about what success means and how to be successful, I say start with these:
The Fundamentals of Success
In life, and in business, there are only a few fundamentals that make life work out well, and they have never changed. Too often we pretend that technology and education have created “new rules” or that modern systems permit us to cut corners and find short-cuts that didn’t exist in the past. While there may be examples where that is true, in general, I don’t believe it.
The fundamentals of living well, achieving our dreams and creating wealth have not changed. The path to success today is remarkably similar to the path walked by generations past.
What are the basics? You might have your own list, but I would suggest at least the following:
1. Personal Integrity. Socrates recommended, “Know thyself” and Shakespeare added, “to thine own self be true.” Knowing who we are, what we value and making sure that our words and actions match is fundamental. Doing unfulfilling work or living in an environment that doesn’t suit us will surely undermine our long-term success. Too many of us live “lives of quiet desperation” and that is NOT a foundation on which to build a life!
2. Clear Thinking. Many of us grew up in the “feel good” generation and we are confused about the role of thought (education, planning, skills and tools) verses emotion. We let our hopes, wishes, fears, or “hang-ups” run our lives. High achievers take time to think clearly, seek expert advice, plan wisely, and learn from the mistakes of others. The Old Testament says that “wisdom comes from a multitude of advisors.” Some strategies just work better than others. Buildings are always designed and “blueprinted” in advance. Our lives should be designed just as carefully.
3. Unfailing Optimism. This is not shallow “positive thinking”, but a clear-headed, conscious faith in the future and in your own potential. “Where there is a will, there is a way,” or as Hannibal said over 2000 years ago, “We will find a way, or make one.” High achievers believe in their skills, in their plans, and in their futures. They forge ahead with confidence built on integrity and careful planning.
4. Hard Work. Ben Franklin observed, “Early to bed, early to rise makes a man (or woman) healthy, wealthy and wise.” I’ve heard people say achievement should be “effortless” and I agree that sometimes enormous amounts of work can flow easily and quickly, but I also know that creating a great life usually requires dedication, personal discipline, attention to detail, and effort.
5. Patience and Persistence. A great life is rarely built in a day. It takes time develop a life of one’s own. There will be mistakes and wrong turns along the way, and highly successful people are neither surprised nor disheartened by this. They simply get a good night’s sleep and start again in the morning. They learn from their mistakes, correct them, and move on with better skills and more effective strategies.
There are more fundamentals than we have room for here, but they have not changed, and there are no “new” fundamentals! Creating a great life does not take extraordinary luck, unusual talent or skill. Building a great life does, however, require that we follow the “rules” that make life work out well. The fundamentals are not sexy or exciting or sophisticated, but they are tried and true. Use them to create the life you truly want.
I was working with my coach today (Yes, coaches have coaches!) discussing my vision of success. In the process I was able to really get clear about what I mean by success. When I am “fully me”, I am successful. There wasn’t one thought about the amount of money I make when I was defining my successful life. The next step led me to define happiness for myself. Guess what? I’m happy when I am fully me.
People tell me that I seem genuine. I feel genuine and I equate that to being “fully me”. So, for the most part I am happy and contented when I am being genuine. But what about when sad or bad things happen in my life? I can be genuine and unhappy at the same time. Seems like a contradiction. So I am looking at the different levels from which we experience life. This is an ongoing process that will take many more posts. I thought I would put it out here for your comments.
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We had dinner with some cousins last night and I was struck by one comment. My cousin’s father has been retired and living in Florida longer than he had worked/owned his retail clothing store! I’m not sure if Cousin Willie knew he would be retired longer than he worked! But that brings up the subject of what to do with all these bonus years that Baby Boomers may experience.
There seems to be a dichotomy in thought for those in the traditional retirement age bracket. On one end of the spectrum are those that say “I want to retire to leisure activities” (they don’t actually say it THAT way but that’s what they mean) and those that say, “I want to continue to have meaningful activities and continue to be contributing and finding fulfillment” (they don’t actually say it THAT way either, but that’s what they mean)! There need not be any judgment either way, but for those that want to find fulfillment in their bonus years, they are needing some guidance. It’s like when you were in high school or college and you didn’t quite know what to do with your life, you often went to a professional to help with the process. Third Age Coaches are the professionals to go to at this stage in life. It really is a new developmental stage. People used to work until they couldn’t anymore and then they died. This Third Age bonus years concept requires transitioning from where you were to where you want to be. People are taking control of these decisions and not letting circumstances dictate “what’s next”. People of all levels of economic stability are making choices that are fulfilling their deepest desires and creativity. They are becoming the person they really want to be rather than going into a certain line of work or profession for the economics of it needed for raising children, building homes, and supporting families. Now is the time in their lives to be fully themselves. But figuring that out is a process that involves insight and honesty.
My therapy practice has experienced a flood a new adults (18 to 28 years old) recently. That wouldn’t be so dramatic by itself, but the challenges they are bringing to the therapy sessions are remarkably the same! The situations usually sound something like this:
I’m a failure. I can’t seem to get a grip on what I want to do with my life. I’m a disappointment to my parents. Everyone else has started their life and I’m still stuck in school. I will never find anyone to marry me. Things haven’t turned out the way I thought they would. (remember, they are not out of their 20’s yet!) I’m not happy.
Through our discussions, several themes evolved.
The first theme had to do with comparisons. One young woman, age 22, who is finishing her 5th year at the university in order to graduate said, “All my friends are finished with school”. When I asked her to name them, only 2 of her 5 closest friends had actually finished theirs degree. One had dropped out, and 2 weren’t as close to graduating as she was. She had chosen to focus on the 2 of her friends who had graduated to compare herself to rather than taking a broader look at the people who hadn’t. A young man, a little older than this 18-28 group was looking at the financial success of others his age and lamenting his lack of achievement. What he forgot to look at was the difference in the long-term potential his degree and talents could achieve compared to the level of income his comparison group had without that same potential.
I will often cite a cancer study with regard to comparisons. Briefly, the study of women in chemotherapy treatment were asked to rate their sense of hopelessness during their treatment. The women who compared their own situation to women who were doing better than them physically, rated their hopelessness as very significant. The women who compared their own situation to others who were doing more poorly than they were physically, rated their level of hopelessness as not significant. The results suggest that eventhough the women making the comparison were all equal in their progress, it just depended on who their compared themselves to as to what their emotional outcome would be. This makes the argument to pick someone who is not as well off as you to make your comparison to. If you choose someone better off than you, emotionally, you will feel defeated in some significant way. This is a great coping skill.
The second theme that seems to be appearing is the notion of pleasing other people and their needs for you. I’m all for being a pleasing person….but first you have to take care of your own wants and needs. Then you can consider if someone else’s wants are something you want to attend to. You have choices to comply or not; but first, you must know your own wants, needs, values, life view, belief system, etc. So how do you figure that out?
One of the many ways: I ask people to look at the “shoulds” in their life. If they can change the “should” to a “want”, then it is their option to go for it! I will talk more about this next.
The other big theme that’s surfacing is the new adult can’t seem to BE an adult! The parents of the new adults have forgotten that they need to back off on the parenting role. Oh, they could be an adviser if the new adult asks for advice, but they need to wait for the invitation. Bite your tongue if you are a parent of a new adult. I can show you the marks in my tongue where I’ve bitten mine! I will say, “I have a thought about…. Would you like to hear it?” If they say ‘yes’ I tell. If not, I hold it. By asking permission, you are respecting their right to choose to have your wisdom or not. A key word is ‘respecting’. I respect my sons. I trust that they will make the best choices for themselves. Even if their choices don’t work out the way they had planned, it is not a mistake…it is only an opportunity to learn. What a gift! So, parents and new adults listen up! Stop ’shoulding’ on yourself and your adult offspring. No more, “Well, I think you should…….” These new adults need time and space to figure out who they are and what they want in their lives. They do not need to “live their life by committee”. Each person is a unique individual and has the capacity to grow into independent, self-sufficient, successful adults if the parents would just step out of their way and cheer them on! And new adults… confidence comes one step at a time; with one lesson at a time. Have some patience.
