Twenty-two years ago this month, I sat with my father in the intensive care waiting room at Jewish Hospital. We had just had another visit from the surgeon who was explaining what complications my mother was experiencing and what needed to be done. As usual, as soon as the doctor left, I helped dad understand what the doctor was saying. This is not to say that my father was not an intelligent man, because he was very intelligent. He was so emotionally concerned about mother that the doctor’s words didn’t make much sense to him. After one particularly involved discussion, my father said to me, “Why didn’t you become a doctor?” I said, “Because you never told me I could.” He said, “You can be or do whatever you set your mind to do.”
After my parents died, I went back to school to become a psychologist. I needed permission to “go for it”! I’m giving YOU permission, too.
A theme that is emerging in both my therapy and life coaching practices is one that has to do with one’s ability to decide what’s right for themselves versus what they ’should’ do. More times then not, when I ask a client to consider whether their choice is based on a ’should’ or ‘want’ they have difficulty. When I ask them to focus on the question, “Do I want this for myself”, they still have difficulty. Many people just plain don’t know what they want.
To gain an awareness around your “wants”, you can ask yourself, ‘Do I like this? Is it pleasing to me? Have I liked this in the past? Have I liked the outcome it has produced in the past? Would it fulfill a need I have?’ (this leads into questions about my needs, desires, goals, values, belief system, etc.). See if this helps you have greater awareness about your “wants”.
I need to add to my list from my previous post.
If you keep running into the same kind of problem over and over, it is likely a life lesson you need to learn.
What do I mean? Well, I will take one of my own life examples. I can always get to a certain point in a project when my own resources run out. Then I am stuck. An example has to do with my dissertation. I really struggled with the design of my study and particularly the statistics to use. It seemed as if everyone else was chugging right along, knowing exactly how to get er done! And I was struggling. When I ran out of resources I finally asked for help. This was not before I was ready to chuck it all! Finally, finally, finally, I got help. And I found out that other people had gotten help as needed. I had to learn to ask. I just didn’t realize that that was a normal thing to do. I thought I had to do it all by myself.
Before and since then, I have repeatedly found myself feeling stuck, until I asked for help or collaboration with someone who had a different set of skills. I think my life lesson in this case is that I need to realize that I don’t have to know it all! I can ask for help. Maybe I have finally learned that lesson. I don’t have to know it all.
To my current and future clients: I will continue to stress the following 7 life truths. Once you have mastered these truths, you will be able to get unstuck and move to your greatest potential. My Friday writings will address these 7 truths. Watch for them.
You are who you think you are
You can’t change other people, only your reaction to them.
No one ‘makes’ you feel. You choose your own feelings.
Just because someone doesn’t want to be your boy/girl friend doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you. You two are just not a good fit.
You make your own reality.
You can be/do whatever you set your mind to.
You really can’t love others until you love and care for yourself.
For parents of young adults: Get a life! And get out of theirs.
Any questions?
Fulfillment and Finances are taking center stage as the focus of Baby Boomers who are reaching “retirement age”. Ask yourself or someone who might be in this stage in life, the following questions.
· How do I want to spend the next 20 or 30 years of my life?
· What opportunities would I like to pursue?
· Do I even know what I want to do?
· What would be meaningful and fulfilling to me?
If you couldn’t answer any of these questions with clarity, you would be similar to many other baby boomers. Some people have done much thinking about this stage and others, well, not so much! This is such a life affirming time! We can be and do anything we set our intentions on.
Why is it so important to think about this stage in life with vigor? Because
50% of all people who live to 65 will live to 85
That’s a lot of life to live after retirement. This generation is healthier and better educated than previous generations which makes this stage in life one with more possibilities than ever before.
Most people don’t realize that they might have so many bonus years!
So what are people planning to do after they retire? Do they realize how that they have a good chance (well, at least 50% chance) of living twenty years or more past their retirement?
It might be time to consider an Encore Career to go along with the bonus years of health and vigor! It might be time to consider fulfillment rather than 24/7 leisure activities. It might be time to find that well-deserved balance in your life.
Individuals and couples are exploring the questions at a greater rate than ever before.
Why not join them?
Contact: Suzann O’Koon, PhD at suzann@suzannokooncoaching.com or 502.939.2987 OR Gary R. Jay at GaryRJay@aol.com or 585.288.3747
