Fulfillment and Finances are taking center stage as the focus of Baby Boomers who are reaching “retirement age”. Ask yourself or someone who might be in this stage in life, the following questions.

·        How do I want to spend the next 20 or 30 years of my life?

·        What opportunities would I like to pursue?

·        Do I even know what I want to do?

·        What would be meaningful and fulfilling to me?

If you couldn’t answer any of these questions with clarity, you would be similar to many other baby boomers. Some people have done much thinking about this stage and others, well, not so much! This is such a life affirming time! We can be and do anything we set our intentions on.

Why is it so important to think about this stage in life with vigor? Because

50% of all people who live to 65 will live to 85

That’s a lot of life to live after retirement. This generation is healthier and better educated than previous generations which makes this stage in life one with more possibilities than ever before.

Most people don’t realize that they might have so many bonus years!

So what are people planning to do after they retire? Do they realize how that they have a good chance (well, at least 50% chance) of living twenty years or more past their retirement?

It might be time to consider an Encore Career to go along with the bonus years of health and vigor! It might be time to consider fulfillment rather than 24/7 leisure activities. It might be time to find that well-deserved balance in your life.

Individuals and couples are exploring the questions at a greater rate than ever before. 

Why not join them?

Contact:  Suzann O’Koon, PhD at suzann@suzannokooncoaching.com or 502.939.2987 OR  Gary R. Jay at GaryRJay@aol.com or 585.288.3747

We had dinner with some cousins last night and I was struck by one comment. My cousin’s father has been retired and living in Florida longer than he had worked/owned his retail clothing store! I’m not sure if Cousin Willie knew he would be retired longer than he worked! But that brings up the subject of what to do with all these bonus years that Baby Boomers may experience.

There seems to be a dichotomy in thought for those in the traditional retirement age bracket. On one end of the spectrum are those that say “I want to retire to leisure activities” (they don’t actually say it THAT way but that’s what they mean) and those that say, “I want to continue to have meaningful activities and continue to be contributing and finding fulfillment” (they don’t actually say it THAT way either, but that’s what they mean)! There need not be any judgment either way, but for those that want to find fulfillment in their bonus years, they are needing some guidance. It’s like when you were in high school or college and you didn’t quite know what to do with your life, you often went to a professional to help with the process. Third Age Coaches are the professionals to go to at this stage in life. It really is a new developmental stage. People used to work until they couldn’t anymore and then they died. This Third Age bonus years concept requires transitioning from where you were to where you want to be. People are taking control of these decisions and not letting circumstances dictate “what’s next”. People of all levels of economic stability are making choices that are fulfilling their deepest desires and creativity. They are becoming the person they really want to be rather than going into a certain line of work or profession for the economics of it needed for raising children, building homes, and supporting families. Now is the time in their lives to be fully themselves. But figuring that out is a process that involves insight and honesty.

When I help couples communicate more effectively, these are the first things I tell them.

You don’t have to agree.

You don’t have to get the other’s consent to have an opinion., belief, thought, concern. These are yours and yours alone.

You are not a mind reader. Don’t assume you know what the other is thinking. People have the right to change their opinions about things and you may not always be in the loop of this change. Check it out.

When you start a sentence with “you always…” you immediately put the other person on the defense. They are now in the “defend myself at all costs” mode. Even if you have good information which could change their opinion.

No one likes to be told they are wrong. They don’t want your judgment to override their judgment. So take it to ‘how it affects you’ level.  Try this: “When you (ignore me, etc.), I interpret that to mean  (that you don’t care about me, etc.) and I fee(l lonely, hurt, etc.).  My need is for you to show you (are listening to my thoughts, feelings, etc.) so that I (feel wanted, respected, etc.).

When two people love one another there are some basic assumptions.

I do not want you hurt.

I want the best for you.

I am willing to be in a give and take relationship.

I want us to grow and stay together.

I want to be an equal with you.

I want to share with you.

I respect you.

I know you want the same for me.

Therefore, if you feel hurt, put down, disrespected, etc., you may have misinterpreted what you heard. That’s when you check it out.

Say, “Gosh, I interpreted what you said to mean [you are the boss and I have no say] causing me to feel [unappreciated, diminished, etc.] Is that what you intended?”

The other person gets to respond until the intended message is received accurately. This is called negotiating for meaning. It ain’t over until the sender of the message is convinced that the intention or actual meaning is accurately received by the receiver.

Often I hear a spouse say, “But you said…..” and the other replies, “But that’s not what I meant.” This is a classic case of misinterpreting the message. It would be a great idea is everyone made clarifying comments that start with the great therapist line, “What I hear you saying is…….” That way, everyone would know if they understand the message!

If you don’t believe the above assumptions as true, then additional work is necessary for you to make joint decisions in this marriage. I would recommend a marriage counselor. Or perhaps just an honest discussion that sets the stage for your next direction.

A common discussion among people my age, is when to retire. The traditional notion of retirement is being rewired! In fact, “In 1985, 18 percent of all 65- to 69-year-olds were still working. In 2005, 29 percent were still on the job, and the trend continues.” http://career-advice.monster.com/careersat50/older-workers/How-Old-Is-Too-Old/home.aspx.

More and more you hear someone say, “Retirement is boring. I don’t want to give up life!”

The problem is often about how to change from what you have been doing to what you WANT to do. That’s not as easy as it sounds. The answer to “What are the options?”, is not a cookie-cutter design. It is an individualized process, just like the rest of your life has been. Working in a facilitated group or in individual sessions with a Third Age Coach is becoming more and more popular. Figuring out how to stay in the working world, in a way that is appealing to you, IS possible. It will take sustained attention to the process. It won’t just fall out of the sky and into your lap.

You’re not too old to stay in the working world. Figure how to make it work for you.

So much of the ‘retirement’ discussion is around finances. Yes, finances are important, but more important is the change in the couple’s life as one or both retires. It is very important to communicate about expectations each has for themselves and for the relationship. Day to day activities and long-term activities will be dramatically different from the previous routine. The couple needs to be able to communicate about their changing needs and wants and together they can plan for their Third Age.

As individuals leave the work role, their identity shifts. This can be quite disarming for an individual who was very powerful in the work world. It is important to set boundaries to protect personal time and ‘other’ time.

• Set Boundaries. Setting boundaries in retirement is necessary to protect personal time and “couple” time, and can also provide a sense of structure and control. A critical issue in retirement for many couples is establishing a balance between “separateness” (personal privacy, pursuing individual hobbies, spending time with friends) and “togetherness” (participating in joint activities, maintaining intimacy, and socializing as a couple). In addition, it is critical that couples agree on how much time they want to spend with family and friends, engaged in community activities, and responding to the needs of others (i.e., caregiving tasks). Mutually agreeing on how to balance individuality and togetherness is important to maintaining marital satisfaction in retirement.
• Prepare for the loss of the work role. Preparing for the loss of the work role may be necessary for spouses who were considerably invested in their professional careers. The loss of the work role can lead to feelings of depression, a sense of having no purpose, and a loss of identity in one or both spouses. These emotions frequently impact the marital relationship and can lead to decreased marital quality. Couples who recognize the significance of this loss and the importance of replacing this source of fulfillment with alternative roles and activities are likely to avoid negative emotions associated with this loss.
• Designate household tasks. Deciding on who does what household chores in retirement is more important than many couples realize. Research shows a common source of conflict for retired couples surrounds the division of labor in the home. Couples who have previously practiced a traditional division of household chores (wife doing cleaning, cooking; husband doing household maintenance and yard duties) may either choose to continue this pattern or may decide that a more equitable approach is more appropriate for retirement. Couples need to discuss and mutually agree on how they will manage household responsibilities rather than assume old patterns will continue or that new changes will take place.

When a term appears in the publication world that really says it all, I stand up and listen. That is what happened when I read about “Grey Divorce”. According to Deidre Bair, author of Calling it Quits: Late-Life Divorce and Starting Over, this term is very appropriate. The author reports:

The catalysts are as varied and complicated for older couples as they are for anyone else. But Ms. Bair did find that one common motivator was simply the steady buildup of the same kind of behavior over a long period of time until one day, one of the partners snaps.

Ms. Bair spoke to a woman who was getting ready for Passover when she realized her marriage was over. “As she put it, she was up to her elbows in chopped chicken liver. She needed a spatula she couldn’t reach and she asked her husband to get it for her, and he yelled at her to be quiet because he was watching television. And she said ‘that’s it.’ There are these little things that push people over the edge.”

I’ve included the link to the complete article from the Financial Post, published April 5, 2008, as a starting point for more discussion about Grey Divorce. What applies at 60 in this article can be applied downward…say to 50…my own age of calling it quits.

http://www.nationalpost.com/todays_paper/story.html?id=423205

Couples who are nearing their retirement (Third Age, Second Act, Re-fire-ment, Encore, etc.) need to prepare psychologically as well as financially for this new stage. The change in their relationship in this uncharted territory can be similar to when they first married.

The degree of togetherness cannot be assumed. Looking at the goals of the couple in addition to the individuals’ goals need to be communicated with openness and honesty. In fact, it is often the case that each partner has their own idea of how the next stage in life will be played out and that picture of the future can be very different from the other’s view. One might want to spend time traveling the world and the other might want to start a new business. One might want to spend more time with the grandchildren as a family and the other might want to go back to school and earn a degree. One might want to spend time volunteering and pursue a hobby while the other wants to buy a home on a golf course and spend their days without a schedule.

Deciding who will be responsible for the day to day tending of the home may change. The family ’social chairman’ might change.

Deciding how the couple wants their life to look after years raising children and working in the workforce may take some serious discussion. There are many opportunities to explore to make the rest of their married life together meaningful and fulfilling. Unfortunately, there are those who see that they don’t like their life the way it is and rather than changing it within the marriage, they opt to get out of the marriage.
I will talk about how to have the serious discussions in future posts.