I need to add to my list from my previous post.
If you keep running into the same kind of problem over and over, it is likely a life lesson you need to learn.
What do I mean? Well, I will take one of my own life examples. I can always get to a certain point in a project when my own resources run out. Then I am stuck. An example has to do with my dissertation. I really struggled with the design of my study and particularly the statistics to use. It seemed as if everyone else was chugging right along, knowing exactly how to get er done! And I was struggling. When I ran out of resources I finally asked for help. This was not before I was ready to chuck it all! Finally, finally, finally, I got help. And I found out that other people had gotten help as needed. I had to learn to ask. I just didn’t realize that that was a normal thing to do. I thought I had to do it all by myself.
Before and since then, I have repeatedly found myself feeling stuck, until I asked for help or collaboration with someone who had a different set of skills. I think my life lesson in this case is that I need to realize that I don’t have to know it all! I can ask for help. Maybe I have finally learned that lesson. I don’t have to know it all.
Fulfillment and Finances are taking center stage as the focus of Baby Boomers who are reaching “retirement age”. Ask yourself or someone who might be in this stage in life, the following questions.
· How do I want to spend the next 20 or 30 years of my life?
· What opportunities would I like to pursue?
· Do I even know what I want to do?
· What would be meaningful and fulfilling to me?
If you couldn’t answer any of these questions with clarity, you would be similar to many other baby boomers. Some people have done much thinking about this stage and others, well, not so much! This is such a life affirming time! We can be and do anything we set our intentions on.
Why is it so important to think about this stage in life with vigor? Because
50% of all people who live to 65 will live to 85
That’s a lot of life to live after retirement. This generation is healthier and better educated than previous generations which makes this stage in life one with more possibilities than ever before.
Most people don’t realize that they might have so many bonus years!
So what are people planning to do after they retire? Do they realize how that they have a good chance (well, at least 50% chance) of living twenty years or more past their retirement?
It might be time to consider an Encore Career to go along with the bonus years of health and vigor! It might be time to consider fulfillment rather than 24/7 leisure activities. It might be time to find that well-deserved balance in your life.
Individuals and couples are exploring the questions at a greater rate than ever before.
Why not join them?
Contact: Suzann O’Koon, PhD at suzann@suzannokooncoaching.com or 502.939.2987 OR Gary R. Jay at GaryRJay@aol.com or 585.288.3747
I’d like to share a piece offered by Philip Humbert, PhD, http://www.philiphumbert.com in his weekly newsletter. If you are thinking about what success means and how to be successful, I say start with these:
The Fundamentals of Success
In life, and in business, there are only a few fundamentals that make life work out well, and they have never changed. Too often we pretend that technology and education have created “new rules” or that modern systems permit us to cut corners and find short-cuts that didn’t exist in the past. While there may be examples where that is true, in general, I don’t believe it.
The fundamentals of living well, achieving our dreams and creating wealth have not changed. The path to success today is remarkably similar to the path walked by generations past.
What are the basics? You might have your own list, but I would suggest at least the following:
1. Personal Integrity. Socrates recommended, “Know thyself” and Shakespeare added, “to thine own self be true.” Knowing who we are, what we value and making sure that our words and actions match is fundamental. Doing unfulfilling work or living in an environment that doesn’t suit us will surely undermine our long-term success. Too many of us live “lives of quiet desperation” and that is NOT a foundation on which to build a life!
2. Clear Thinking. Many of us grew up in the “feel good” generation and we are confused about the role of thought (education, planning, skills and tools) verses emotion. We let our hopes, wishes, fears, or “hang-ups” run our lives. High achievers take time to think clearly, seek expert advice, plan wisely, and learn from the mistakes of others. The Old Testament says that “wisdom comes from a multitude of advisors.” Some strategies just work better than others. Buildings are always designed and “blueprinted” in advance. Our lives should be designed just as carefully.
3. Unfailing Optimism. This is not shallow “positive thinking”, but a clear-headed, conscious faith in the future and in your own potential. “Where there is a will, there is a way,” or as Hannibal said over 2000 years ago, “We will find a way, or make one.” High achievers believe in their skills, in their plans, and in their futures. They forge ahead with confidence built on integrity and careful planning.
4. Hard Work. Ben Franklin observed, “Early to bed, early to rise makes a man (or woman) healthy, wealthy and wise.” I’ve heard people say achievement should be “effortless” and I agree that sometimes enormous amounts of work can flow easily and quickly, but I also know that creating a great life usually requires dedication, personal discipline, attention to detail, and effort.
5. Patience and Persistence. A great life is rarely built in a day. It takes time develop a life of one’s own. There will be mistakes and wrong turns along the way, and highly successful people are neither surprised nor disheartened by this. They simply get a good night’s sleep and start again in the morning. They learn from their mistakes, correct them, and move on with better skills and more effective strategies.
There are more fundamentals than we have room for here, but they have not changed, and there are no “new” fundamentals! Creating a great life does not take extraordinary luck, unusual talent or skill. Building a great life does, however, require that we follow the “rules” that make life work out well. The fundamentals are not sexy or exciting or sophisticated, but they are tried and true. Use them to create the life you truly want.
I was working with my coach today (Yes, coaches have coaches!) discussing my vision of success. In the process I was able to really get clear about what I mean by success. When I am “fully me”, I am successful. There wasn’t one thought about the amount of money I make when I was defining my successful life. The next step led me to define happiness for myself. Guess what? I’m happy when I am fully me.
People tell me that I seem genuine. I feel genuine and I equate that to being “fully me”. So, for the most part I am happy and contented when I am being genuine. But what about when sad or bad things happen in my life? I can be genuine and unhappy at the same time. Seems like a contradiction. So I am looking at the different levels from which we experience life. This is an ongoing process that will take many more posts. I thought I would put it out here for your comments.
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We had dinner with some cousins last night and I was struck by one comment. My cousin’s father has been retired and living in Florida longer than he had worked/owned his retail clothing store! I’m not sure if Cousin Willie knew he would be retired longer than he worked! But that brings up the subject of what to do with all these bonus years that Baby Boomers may experience.
There seems to be a dichotomy in thought for those in the traditional retirement age bracket. On one end of the spectrum are those that say “I want to retire to leisure activities” (they don’t actually say it THAT way but that’s what they mean) and those that say, “I want to continue to have meaningful activities and continue to be contributing and finding fulfillment” (they don’t actually say it THAT way either, but that’s what they mean)! There need not be any judgment either way, but for those that want to find fulfillment in their bonus years, they are needing some guidance. It’s like when you were in high school or college and you didn’t quite know what to do with your life, you often went to a professional to help with the process. Third Age Coaches are the professionals to go to at this stage in life. It really is a new developmental stage. People used to work until they couldn’t anymore and then they died. This Third Age bonus years concept requires transitioning from where you were to where you want to be. People are taking control of these decisions and not letting circumstances dictate “what’s next”. People of all levels of economic stability are making choices that are fulfilling their deepest desires and creativity. They are becoming the person they really want to be rather than going into a certain line of work or profession for the economics of it needed for raising children, building homes, and supporting families. Now is the time in their lives to be fully themselves. But figuring that out is a process that involves insight and honesty.
Thank you to J. for the title. Actually, thank you to J. for the inspiration to write this>>>>>.
I was just plugging away at being a therapist. Then I entered the coaching world. I found out that my style as a therapist was very much like a life coach.
I had placed some 3×5 cards on a table in my office next to the clients’ chairs. It just seemed like the right thing to do, since I would regularly ask clients to think about whatever we were talking about in our sessions when they left. Without the 3×5 cards, clients would often come back and say they didn’t remember what I asked them to think about from the last session. So their change process was only going to work, 50 minutes a week or every 2 weeks. That wasn’t why I became a therapist. I wanted to help people make real change in their lives.
J. has made very good use of the 3×5 cards. During our discussions, J. would often say, “Now say that again” and she would write verbatim, what I had just said. I know that I’m not particularly original in all that I say because I have read extensively in the area of psychology, religion, philosophy, etc. and much of what I say to clients has been said many times before. It’s just that I have a style that leads to similar messages. J. calls them “The Therapeutic Stylings of Dr. S. O’Koon, PhD”. I can’t take credit for most of it. Well, maybe the way I say things has my personality wrapped around it!
Not everyone agrees with me. Depending on one’s background and/or theoretical orientation, a therapist might come from a completely different direction. For example, many therapists will tell a client the “why” behind their behavior or attitude. I don’t believe I know the ‘why’. I believe the client ‘knows’ and it is my job to ask the right questions and let the ‘why’ resonate within the client for their own sense of insight. That doesn’t mean I don’t provide value to the process. I help the client look at their choices from the inside out.
I would like to write more about the way I work with and help people. For now, I will share with you some of the ‘stylings’ J. has recorded. Perhaps these will turn into chapters in a book!
*Anger is an outward expression of an inward emotion. These emotions are: disappointment, hurt, fear, frustration, sadness, etc. The next time you are angry or pissed off at someone, look inside and see what feeling is fueling the outward expression of anger.
*Set boundaries with work, family, and friends to protect you from being used are taken advantage of. Be true to yourself.
*Create a “What I want list”. Schedule and incorporate into a 6 month schedule or calendar. Write down your long and short-term goals. Goals are rarely achieved without some written acknowledgment that they exist.
*Look at what you call poor choices and see them as opportunities for growth.
*Self-esteem equals self regard. When you regard yourself well, you will make good choices. The outcome will be a sense of self-respect.
*Learn and practice Balance.
*Being of service is bi-directional. Become aware of whom you provide or give service to and to whom do you allow and expect service from.
*Define the kinds of relationships of which you wish to be part. Look at your current relationships. Do they match your definition? If not, make a conscious choice with whom you would like to have in your inner circle.
*It’s okay to reset your gyroscope and stay connected socially. You can have different values from those you interact with. The challenge is to put your energies into activities and people with whom you share many/most of your values.
*Honor your needs.
*Learn to be accepting of others AND of yourself…wherever that may be.
*Loving others is easy when you love and accept yourself.
*People who try to control others have deficits in their personality, intelligence, or skill levels, etc. that they don’t want others to see.
*Guilt is the feeling you get when you choose to do something that is out of line with your values and you know it and do it anyway.
This is really just the start of documenting the way I see change. If I have been helpful in some specific ‘styling’, feel free to email me so I can add that to the list. I will not identify you.
Suzann@suzannokooncoaching.com
When I help couples communicate more effectively, these are the first things I tell them.
You don’t have to agree.
You don’t have to get the other’s consent to have an opinion., belief, thought, concern. These are yours and yours alone.
You are not a mind reader. Don’t assume you know what the other is thinking. People have the right to change their opinions about things and you may not always be in the loop of this change. Check it out.
When you start a sentence with “you always…” you immediately put the other person on the defense. They are now in the “defend myself at all costs” mode. Even if you have good information which could change their opinion.
No one likes to be told they are wrong. They don’t want your judgment to override their judgment. So take it to ‘how it affects you’ level. Try this: “When you (ignore me, etc.), I interpret that to mean (that you don’t care about me, etc.) and I fee(l lonely, hurt, etc.). My need is for you to show you (are listening to my thoughts, feelings, etc.) so that I (feel wanted, respected, etc.).
When two people love one another there are some basic assumptions.
I do not want you hurt.
I want the best for you.
I am willing to be in a give and take relationship.
I want us to grow and stay together.
I want to be an equal with you.
I want to share with you.
I respect you.
I know you want the same for me.
Therefore, if you feel hurt, put down, disrespected, etc., you may have misinterpreted what you heard. That’s when you check it out.
Say, “Gosh, I interpreted what you said to mean [you are the boss and I have no say] causing me to feel [unappreciated, diminished, etc.] Is that what you intended?”
The other person gets to respond until the intended message is received accurately. This is called negotiating for meaning. It ain’t over until the sender of the message is convinced that the intention or actual meaning is accurately received by the receiver.
Often I hear a spouse say, “But you said…..” and the other replies, “But that’s not what I meant.” This is a classic case of misinterpreting the message. It would be a great idea is everyone made clarifying comments that start with the great therapist line, “What I hear you saying is…….” That way, everyone would know if they understand the message!
If you don’t believe the above assumptions as true, then additional work is necessary for you to make joint decisions in this marriage. I would recommend a marriage counselor. Or perhaps just an honest discussion that sets the stage for your next direction.
A common discussion among people my age, is when to retire. The traditional notion of retirement is being rewired! In fact, “In 1985, 18 percent of all 65- to 69-year-olds were still working. In 2005, 29 percent were still on the job, and the trend continues.” http://career-advice.monster.com/careersat50/older-workers/How-Old-Is-Too-Old/home.aspx.
More and more you hear someone say, “Retirement is boring. I don’t want to give up life!”
The problem is often about how to change from what you have been doing to what you WANT to do. That’s not as easy as it sounds. The answer to “What are the options?”, is not a cookie-cutter design. It is an individualized process, just like the rest of your life has been. Working in a facilitated group or in individual sessions with a Third Age Coach is becoming more and more popular. Figuring out how to stay in the working world, in a way that is appealing to you, IS possible. It will take sustained attention to the process. It won’t just fall out of the sky and into your lap.
You’re not too old to stay in the working world. Figure how to make it work for you.
Couples who are nearing their retirement (Third Age, Second Act, Re-fire-ment, Encore, etc.) need to prepare psychologically as well as financially for this new stage. The change in their relationship in this uncharted territory can be similar to when they first married.
The degree of togetherness cannot be assumed. Looking at the goals of the couple in addition to the individuals’ goals need to be communicated with openness and honesty. In fact, it is often the case that each partner has their own idea of how the next stage in life will be played out and that picture of the future can be very different from the other’s view. One might want to spend time traveling the world and the other might want to start a new business. One might want to spend more time with the grandchildren as a family and the other might want to go back to school and earn a degree. One might want to spend time volunteering and pursue a hobby while the other wants to buy a home on a golf course and spend their days without a schedule.
Deciding who will be responsible for the day to day tending of the home may change. The family ’social chairman’ might change.
Deciding how the couple wants their life to look after years raising children and working in the workforce may take some serious discussion. There are many opportunities to explore to make the rest of their married life together meaningful and fulfilling. Unfortunately, there are those who see that they don’t like their life the way it is and rather than changing it within the marriage, they opt to get out of the marriage.
I will talk about how to have the serious discussions in future posts.
Baby Boomer couples have their own set of decisions to make. Often, it is the one who has worked the longest (likely the husband) who is ready to retire. Women who may have been out of the workforce while raising children, or who didn’t enter the workforce until mid-life for other reasons, may see retirement as a far-off option!
My colleague and I are surveying other life coaches who work with baby boomers and our own clients to get a picture of what the current concerns are in baby-boomer couples. If you have some thoughts about choices for baby-boomer couples, feel free to share with me. I’ll post the survey when we complete it.
